Crank Dat Uchiha
by Kyuubi's Angel of Darkness
Summary: The first time Uchiha Itachi met his little brother's childhood friend Sakura, it was indirectly and through a song. A song, now that he thinks about it, that was a horribly inaccurate and terribly misleading description of character.


**Hi. Yeah I know I'm horrible. I haven't updated my other stories in a month and here I am just throwing out a random one-shot.**

**Who do you think you are Kyuu-chan? **

**Psh that's easy, Jesus, ****_duh_****.**

**Anyways, horribly crafted religious jokes aside, I promise I'm working on my other stories. This one-shot just came and mind-raped me until I wrote it. So I hope you enjoy!**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I don't own Eddie Rath's songs. However I do keep Eddie Rath locked in my basement for nefarious purposes, just saying. Oh and also, the "bump and grind" bit was inspired by Lady Silvamord's Love Lockdown. Go read it, it's fantastic.**_

* * *

The loud and obnoxious boom of a heavy bass echoed throughout the extraordinary space that was the Uchiha mansion. Delicate china figurines tittered with obvious displeasure, balancing precariously on the shelves that housed them. The family dog lamented at it's fate with a piteous whine and the cat merely hissed at anyone and everyone to voice it's annoyance. Another heavy beat passed and this time it was the dishes that clinked together in warning.

The proud Uchiha matriarch, Mikoto surrendered a slight wince as her sensitive eardrums were assaulted without mercy and gave a glance to her eldest son. Itachi seemed to be in a similar predicament as he had inherited her extraordinary hearing but seemed to be hiding his discomfort well. Although he would never show it, but the slight furrow of his brows was a telling give-away to his keen mother.

Another heavy thump, this time a slew of foul language and innuendoes followed in it's wake.

Itachi twitched and moved to stand.

"It's just a phase Ita-chan." Mikoto called placatingly to her son, though it seemed like she was trying to convince herself more than him. Itachi went to move again and Mikoto tried to plead with him to stay.

"Ita-chan, please." she whined, the slightly higher-than-usual tone of her voice inidcating her frayed nerves.

"Kaa-san," he interjected smoothly, "wearing all blue every single day was a _phase_, threatening he would move to Suna was a _phase_. _This_," he enunciated dangerously, "this is outright madness." Mikoto shrunk a bit at the irritated vibe her usually apathetic son was giving off but she knew she had to hold her ground on this one.

Itachi held his mother's pleading gaze in a silent showdown until he finally sighed and lowered himself back into his seat, annoyance oozing out of his every pore.

Sasuke was going through another one of his 'phases', just like any other teenager that felt the world owed them something. Much to the misfortune of the famous Uchiha clan however, the second heir seemed to have the most peculiar phases.

There was the month when he was twelve where he wore all blue. All day. Every day. _Everything_, was blue. It would have been far more tolerable had it been one shade of blue but alas, they were not a lucky bunch.

Then there was the time where he would always threaten to run away to Suna if something didn't go his way. Which, oddly enough, eventually turned into a huge deal when his little brother took off and went to Sound (of all places) and spent three years there under the tutelage of some Buddhist monk with highly debatable sanity, Orochimaru. Why he hadn't stuck with Suna, Itachi would never know. Just another day in the life of living with a hormonal twelve year old boy one could suppose.

This episode had only served to greatly enrage many of the clansmen as well as Sasuke's two childhood friends, Uzumaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura.

Itachi had met Naruto many times, unfortunatley, and felt that in an oxymoronic way, the loud blonde suited his otouto. Not many people could put up with Sasuke's attitude and selfish habits. He had yet to meet this Sakura girl though. He hadn't heard much about her, his mother often mentioned she was a sweet girl but he didn't really care enough to hear anymore then that.

Coincidentally enough, it was Sasuke's latest phase that brought this Sakura girl's lack of characterization to his attention.

Said phase being the rapping phase.

A horrible phase at that. The lyrics were an abomination against nature. None of the lyrics even followed the beat, it was just some druggie singing hypocritical nonsense. The music itself was far to risqué, Itachi hadn't even known it was possible for automated noises and screeches to sound so, _dirty_. Honestly he didn't know how Sasuke could stand that trash.

He did not want to "bump and grind" with anyone as it sounded rather painful and he most certainly did not want "them titties in yo face" because that _had_ to be morally objectionable.

Itachi may be a called a sadist by everyone he knows but even so, he would not wish that kind of foul garbage onto his worst enemy.

Returning to the topic at hand though, it was one of Sasuke's more favored songs that pulled the woman known as Haruno Sakura into question. He would most certainly not go into details of the lyrics because sadist he may be, he did still pride himself on being a gentleman. What he would say was that these certain lyrics portrayed the woman to be meek, submissive and a whore on top of that. He doubted she was a fangirl as Sasuke wasn't stupid enough to befriend one of those, hopefully.

Now Itachi trusted his dear mother's judgement but in light of recent events, those events being loud intervals of generally offensive noise that may or may not be causing him to lose his sanity, he figured it was time to meet the girl and establish whether or not she was suited to continue her friendship with Sasuke. Plus his mother was starved for female companionship, she could be being decieved by this wretch and the innocent woman would never know it.

Before he could further continue with that train of thought, yet another interjection of horribly rude and explicit noise threw said train of thought off the tracks and watched it explode into festive, fiery colors.

This time Itachi growled and almost leapt out of his seat in his haste to bring a hammer to that awful stereo system.

"Wait Ita-chan!" He ignored his mother and moved in pursuit of a nice hard-looking hammer.

"Itachi!" He paused and looked curiously over his shoulder, his mother almost never used his full name instead opting for her childish pet names.

Mikoto beckoned him over with her finger. He obliged, slinking over cautiously much like his namesake. Upon reaching her he raised a brow, silently asking why she had halted his destruction of the much hated stereo.

"I have someone coming to take care of this problem." She stated seriously. At that he couldn't help but stare at his mother incredulously, who on earth could possibly quell this madness? In answer to his unasked question, Mikoto beamed proudly.

"Sakura-chan!" She crowed triumphantly.

Sakura? As in the meek, submissive girl he had yet to meet? He almost laughed aloud.

What could she possibly do to stop this?

Studying her son's obsidian eyes that portrayed his disbelief, Mikoto smirked smugly. The two eyed each other for a few minutes before a few knocks on the door interuppted their staring match. The sound of the door opening monents later followed.

Itachi had to wonder how was it that this woman was close enough to his family to just walk into their home but he had never met her.

"Mikoto-kaa-chan! I'm back!" Mikoto's smug look disappeared to be replaced with genuine happiness.

"In here Sakura-chan!" Itachi watched on curiously as light footsteps came closer to the kitchen.

His theory about a submissive girl only seemed to grow upon seeing Haruno Sakura and all of her five foot three, pink haired, glory enter the threshold. His mother was quick to glomp the girl in a bear-hug. Itachi was surprised the tiny female hadn't snapped in half.

"Oh it's been much too long Sakura-chan!" His mother cooed. Sakura giggled a bit and brushed some hair out of her eyes.

"I'm sorry Mikoto-kaa-chan, Shishi-ba-chan really wanted me to get out and travel this summer."

Oh, so she was a rich kid it seemed.

"Still dearie, a month is much to long!"

Another giggle and if Itachi had been any other man, he would have rolled his eyes at the absurdity of his mother's idea. Honestly, she thought this woman would end Sasuke's rhyming days? This rapping epidemic may have finally affected his dear mother's brain. This pink-haired woman could be the poster-girl for female and feminine for all her looks.

Sakura finally seemed to have notice him and turned his way. She bowed.

"You must be Itachi-san. Please forgive my rudeness, it is an honor to meet you."

Yeah this slip of a girl was definitely going to make Sasuke listen to her. At least she had manners.

"Likewise Sakura-san." He spoke cooly, wondering if he had seen sturdier-looking glass in the china store down the road.

"Anyways Mikoto-kaa-chan, what did you need me here for? You said it was urgent." At this question the Uchiha matriarch instantly sobered up.

"Well Sakura-chan, as I'm sure Naruto-kun must have told you, Sasu-chan is going through a bit of a phase." The cherry-haired girl laughed a bit at that.

Itachi inwardly scoffed, this was no laughing matter.

"Yes he certainly mentioned something like that."

"Well dearie, I was wondering if you could convince him to stop this habit of his." Sakura paused to consider this, her cherubic face scrunching up adorably as she did so. After a moment she responded.

"I'm sorry Mikoto-kaa-chan but I don't think he'll to listen to me if Naruto already tried." Itachi snorted silently at this. Mikoto pouted.

"Sakura darling, you're being much to modest! I know Sasuke would listen to you!" Sakura still looked unsure.

"I don't know Mikoto-kaa-chan, Naruto said it was pretty bad." The girl's pixie like features softened as her gaze looked genuinely apologetic.

"Besides, it can't be that bad right?" Mikoto gave a world weary sigh.

"I was afraid you would say that. Please allow me to play something for you Sakura-chan." Itachi's eyes widened.

She wouldn't.

At least he certainly hoped not. He had never pegged his mother as being someone actively trying to make innocent, pink-haired, girls cry. Sakura looked on curiously as Mikoto placed a CD into the kitchen stereo. Thankfully they would be able to hear it as it seemed Sasuke had shut off his music to shower.

Sakura's polite interest seemed to shift and Itachi watched on, waiting for tears as the lyrics to Sasuke's favorite song "Crank dat Uchiha" by Eddie Rath began.

_"Sasuke gone up in this bitch,_

_Sakura-chan can suck my dick,_

_Left that ass in Konoha,_

_Then Sharinganed that bitch!"_

The girl stared.

Her mouth opened and closed.

Itachi noted that as the beginning of denial.

Her body trembled.

Convulsions were never a pretty part of crying.

"S-s-s-sa." Ah, here came the hiccups and sniffles.

Her brow furrowed and she blinked furiously.

Here it comes, so predictable. He hoped she wasn't an ugly crier.

"s-s-SASUKE-TEMEEE! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT BEFORE I RIP OUT YOUR FUCKING SPINE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUGLY ASS SHANNAROOOO!"

Aaaand- wait. Itachi blinked.

Oh, _now_ he was interested.

However, Sasuke did not come down the stairs much to Itachi's inward disappointment and he looked to Sakura to see how she would handle it.

She did not disappoint.

Sakura sneered cruelly as her fisted hands rested dangerously on her hips, an expression and position that asserted her dominace and made Itachi's stomach flop oddly.

"I KNOW YOUR HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET BEHIND YOUR BLUE SHIRTS YOU DAMN COWARD! DON'T MAKE ME COME FIND YOU!" Rushed footsteps met their ears and Itachi was impressed.

Sasuke's breathless form appeared moments later in front of the enraged female.

"Sakura I can explain-!" The poor boy didn't finish his sentence. A powerful roundhouse kick sent him flying out into the backyard through the open sliding doors. Itachi had only a moment to commit her shapely leg and the way her skirt just barely blocked a panty-shot to memory.

Growling ferally, Sakura stalked gracefully after her flying target, much like a wild tigress cornering it's prey. Itachi followed her like a wraith, eyes practically shining with disturbing amounts of interest.

Upon entering the backyard, Sakura pounced. Jumping high in the air, flipping, and landing with her heel quite squarely in Sasuke's chest, she unleashed her fury.

"SAKURA-CHAN CAN SUCK YOUR DICK EH? SUCK YOUR OWN DAMN DICK YOU BASTARD!" Picking him up by the shirt, she shook him wildly before flipping Sasuke around and throwing him a ways away, already running to have him meet her fist.

Itachi was only slightly aware that his pants were beginning to get a bit tight.

Sasuke, for all his wisdom in the world, decided now was the time to speak up.

"Technically," he wheezed, "I don't think it's possible to suck one's own dick."

Sakura saw red.

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

* * *

Shisui entered the backyard of his cousin's house, curiosity leading him forward like a dog on a leash.

Who wouldn't be curious though? It sounded like Godzilla was having a wrestling math with Chuck Norris back here. Shrieks of rage had sent small children scurrying into their homes in near tears while the screams for mercy had everyone curiously on edge.

The terrifying howl of "_SHANNARO!" _had been enough to make Shisui nearly wet himself_._ Although, facing the scene before him, Shisui could honestly admit this is not what he had expected.

There sat Sakura maniacally throttling a comically sobbing Sasuke with a vicious fury while Sasuke clawed at her iron grip and plead for mercy. Then there was Itachi who creepily stood in the background watching the scene with something akin to unholy interest.

If Shisui hadn't known his emotionally constipated cousin better, he would have said Itachi was staring intently at Sakura almost lustfully.

But come on, that couldn't happen.

Right?

"Ita-chan!" He called as he approached his cousin. Said cousin did not acknowledge him though as he came to stand beside him. Awkwardly tapping his foot, Shisui broke the silence.

"I see you've meet Sakura-chan." He stated.

"Indeed." Itachi's voice was almost a purr and Shisui was starting to get a bit scared.

"What do you think of her?"

Judging by his cousins scary intense, lustful, stare as he watched his younger brother get demolished by the hands of said pink-haired woman though, Shisui didn't think he wanted to know. In fact, he was sorry he had asked.

"I'm thinking about taking her out to dinner."

"Yeah- wait what?!"

Well, he certainly hadn't expected that.

"You heard me."

Shisui blanched as his mind was suddenly assaulted with images of the two residential sadists teaming up, taking power couple to a whole knew level. Both innocent-looking enough sure, well Itachi wasn't really innocent-looking, but underneath that sat two monsters ready to destroy.

When he mentioned these disturbing visions to Itachi, his younger cousin merely graced him with a horrifyingly knowing smirk.

"I know."

* * *

**Eh, it's kinda short. I like it though. I hope you all did too! Yeah lol Itachi was a bit of an ass but pshhh he's sexy either way.**

**I hope my crack has effectively melted your brains!**

**_Edit 9/18/13:_**

**_So I came back and edited again. Hopefully for the last time but you know me, I can be knit-picky. Changed up sone dialogue, added stuff to make it longer, and fixed the last bit of spelling errors, I hope. _**

**_According to google translate Shishi-ba-chan means Auntie lion. Sakura can't say Tsunade's name because then Itachi would place the name and some of his misconceptions about Sakura would cease to exist! We don't want that now so Shishi-ba-chan it is._**

**_The response to this one-shot has just been fantastic and I could seriously cry you guys are so freaking sweet. I honestly hadn't planned on making a sequel but the demand was just insane so I will definitely get to work on it! I hope you can wait until then! Again thanks so much!_**

**Now go and release you inner review whore!**


End file.
